


Smosh Writing Week 2019

by lynnthere_donethat



Category: Smosh
Genre: A Good Omens AU, Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Smosh Writing Week 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-11 10:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19926325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lynnthere_donethat/pseuds/lynnthere_donethat
Summary: The smosh writing week 2019Day 1- SoulmatesDay 2- High SchoolDay 3- Angel/Demon





	1. Marks along the Soul

**Smosh Writing Week: Day 1 - Soulmates**

**Relationships- Shaymien / Jovari (Platonic)**

It was rare, in a world as big as ours to find such a unique souls. They are comparative and mold together. They feel as if they are your perfect other half. A nudge from Fate if you will. Not everyone has a Soul Mark, only 1/50 people in the United States alone have one. When you first make skin to skin contact, the Mark blossoms into comparative shapes. Each Mark special to the person it’s connected to. Some have related them to Red Strings, in relation to the Red Strings of Fate, so some people lovingly call them Fated Strings. Others simply call it what it is, a Soul Mark. 

Shayne began noticing them as he got into the Hollywood acting scene. The signature red oval, which caused the connection in the first place. They were vibrant, and hard to conceal on camera, which made it difficult to hire actors with Soul Marks in very obvious spots. Some facial Marks could be altered with effects make-up to resemble scars, and those actors were high quality action stars. 

Shayne considered himself lucky. His Mark was on the nape of his neck. Jackets easily covered it up, and even then, it could be shielded with a beanie or slightly longer hair. His Mark was blossomed however. It was connected to one of his oldest friends, Noah. They had met when they were 12 years old, and at that age they were content with being friends. They still had a whole world to see, so why tie each other down with promises of something inconceivable. Well, it was less eloquent than that. Perhaps more along the lines of 

“Boys can’t love boys?” 

“Why not?”  
“I dunno, cause we’re twelve?”

“I guess?” 

And they went along their way. They strayed apart when their acting classes ended and reunited when they began working for Smosh as extras. They reconnected at the lunch meeting shortly after Shayne and Courtney were hired. 

“Oh hey man! How’s that whole soul thing coming along?” Shayne asked.

“Not bad! You?” 

“Meh, not much luck.” 

The rest of the cast were quickly filled in, and the rest of the lunch went well! 

As time in Smosh continued on, and more members of the fam were added, Shayne found himself tumbling along in a wild world of simple relationships, but they never really flourished due to the Soulmark. Times have changed, and when he told them that his soulmate and him weren’t looking for a relationship, the dates gave him a look and said that it wouldn’t work for them. So he tumbled along, single and frustrated. He was happy for Noah and his amazing girlfriend. Intercast dating wasn’t a thing, since they found themselves more along the lines of brothers and sisters. Especially with the growth of Smosh Summer and Winter Games. 

Shayne found himself in the Smosh Games room on an off day. They were finishing up a game recording, and from the prominent voices, it was for a Game Bang, and also the fact they were all on the red couch. He sat at one of their desks on his phone. 

Once the recording was over, and the cast dispersed to their desks, Shayne moved to a bean bag. The crew moved the cameras, lights and sound equipment out of the way leaving a wide open space.

“Hey Shayne!” Mari greeted, once the room was cleared. 

“Hey.” Shayne said, glancing up.

“You guys aren’t filming today?” Joven asked.

“I’m not in the sketch this week. They’ve got a new guest they’re trying out.” Shayne shrugged.

“You think they’ll replace you?” Mari asked.

“That’d suck, but the execs have been pulling Joe and Sunny in more. They don’t take fan comments seriously, so it’s possible. I’m just chilling because I don’t want to drive back to my apartment.” Shayne said.

“Understandable. Hopefully they keep you on! We love having you!” Mari cheered, sending him a warm smile. 

“I love working here, and you guys are family.” Shayne said. Mari flashed him a grin.

“So, what’s up in your life right now. Any new girlfriends?” She asked, getting up and joining him on the beanbags.

“Nah, they always get scared away by this.” He said, showing her the Soul mark. 

“That’s rough. Thankfully Pete and I worked around it.” She said.

“You have one too?” He asked, surprised. She nodded.

“Yep, on my upper thigh. It’s Jovie, but he’s like a brother to me.” She said, nodding to Joven, who was hunched over his desk, typing. 

“That’s cool. Mine’s Noah, we met when we were 12, so if you can imagine the social climate to homosexuality then.” Shayne said. Mari nodded sympathetically. 

“I can imagine how that also scares people away. Who wants to come between what could be true love. Besides, Pete and I were already dating when Smosh Games was formed. He was iffy about Joven, but I told him that nothing would come between us, especially because I cared about him a lot.” Mari explained.

“That’s adorable.” Shayne said, smiling.

“Thanks, besides, I could never compete with Kate in Joven’s heart. Have you met her?” She asked.

“Yeah, at a company party. She’s lovely.” Shayne said. 

“She is.” Mari nodded. The chattered some more. A knock sounded at the door, causing everyone’s heads to snap towards the sound. 

“Hey everyone, this is Damien, he’s joining the team!” Matt Raub said. 

“Hi,” Damien said nervously. Shayne’s eyes widened.

“Dude, why didn’t you tell me!” Shayne gasped, shocked! And then they ran towards each other and kissed, as if true loves arrow struck them.

Clicking out of the browser, weirded out, and thorughly confused, Shayne voiced his concerns in the document about committing. 

“How much longer do you have?” Damien’s voice chimed from the other room.

“Not long, I just have to send this note and I’ll be done.” Shayne replied. 

**Text was funny and written well, though rushed ending. Would be hard to commit without overdoing it on camera, perhaps we say the fic chapter ends at the entrance? Unless the author sees this and knows we’re lying. Idk will ask dames. -shayne**

Shayne finished typing the comment and closed his computer. Getting up and stretching quickly, he headed towards the living area of the apartment and settled on the couch, curling into Damien’s side. 

“If you had a soulmate, who do you think it’d be?” Shayne proposed.

“Hm, probably you. I mean thinking back, we’ve always reconnected, and now we’re here. Happy, safe and two adorable daughters. What’s up?” Damien asked.

“Oh, just reading some fanfiction Ryan sent me, for another dramatic reading video. The last one was a soulmate AU, and it was pretty cool, but had a weird ending. Like, there was build up, and potential that just didn’t deliver.” Shayne said, shrugging.

“Hm, sounds cool, and I’m assuming it’s about us?” Damien guessed. Shayne nodded.

“Yep. It was Shaymien. No wonder the fans are so hardocre about that ship. Looking back at Wild West Games, it doesn’t help that one of the first things said about our relationship was “They split up Shaymien!”” Shayne voiced, pitching a weird version of Wes’ initial cry. Damien giggled.

“Ah, memories. Well, how about we leave the work for work and just enjoy the movie?” Damien asked. 


	2. Between the Bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into the halls of high school.

**Smosh Writing Week: Day 2 - High School AU**

**Relationships- Shaymien / Coze / Koah**

**8:00 AM - First Block - Mr. Raub (Career Advisory)**

The halls were loud, cramped and cluttered with groups of kids, lounging around the halls, before the first bell. Cheap, greasy food in white bags from the local teen restaurant hang out were in every other student’s hands and slowly filling the bright green trash cans that were littered across the building. 

Mr. Raub, or Matt Raub as the students called him was overset, finely shaped beard and enough of a belly to be soft. He wore bright colored shirts, and had cliche motivation posters littering his office and classroom. He taught Career Advisory for Junior and Seniors, and was open and friendly. Ever since he moved out of the counseling office and into a classroom, he quickly became the go-to teacher for kids who needed an adult to talk to and just vent, without worrying about the gossip spreading. Most of the guys had called Mr. Raub early in the morning to be taken home and girls gossiped about boys with him. 

“Open Door, Open Policy” was a well-versed phrase of his, and it was rare to see his door closed. You could find him with students early in the morning chatting about the latest Marvel movie, or see him arguing with the Biology teacher- Mr. Ovenshire about the Batman universe. 

The Squad, that was a group of five juniors were seated in their usual spot in his class with their respective significant others. Back of the room, phones out and chattering. They were the stereotypical All American High School group. Preppy blond girl, Courtney Miller. Head Cheerleader and the typical Girl-Next-Door. Blonde hair tied into a high ponytail and fashionable clothes, and manicured acrylic nails. Pretty in Pink lipstick coating her lips and killer eyeliner. Right behind her, lounging and leaning over her shoulder was a petite girl with dark brown hair and acne studded skin. Ripped jeans and a skater shirt wrapped in a pin and patch filled jean jacket. Ericka Bozeman, nerdy skater girl who stole Courtney’s heart. The staff found them adorable, and other students jealous. Ericka, or Boze wasn’t in Mr. Raub’s class but always stayed until the first bell to chill. 

Then you had the Jock- Shayne Topp. Blonde hair and blue eyes, with biceps the size of the gatorade bottle he carried around. A varsity jacket wrapped around his broad shoulders and a pearly white smile. Khaki pants, hightop converse sneakers and a graphic tee under the green and black varsity jacket studded with pins gained from his years in Football. 

Perched on his knee sat a pretty brunet with royal blue streaks in his hair. The drama and theater prodigy child and German exchange student Damien Haas. Damien moved last year and his visa lasts until senior year. The boy had a light German accent, and spoke perfect English. He brought out the nerd in Shayne, and they often spent days watching anime. 

On the other side of Courtney sat a pretty and extremely thin small Asian girl named Olivia. She wore exclusively vintage clothes in a fashion that would look disgusting on literally anyone else. She reads the tea/coffee stained books, and often watches conspiracy videos to taunt Noah. She also is extremely terrified of butterflies, to the point of demonically shrieking when in the presence of the harmless and colorful butterflies. Her friends tease her lightly all the time about her phobia. 

Noah, with his short lanky form and forever boyish face and crazy dyed hair made his a prime target for locker shoving. He adopted the squad to stop the locker shoving, and his fiercely protective boyfriend is the only one allowed to shove him into said lockers anymore. Which only occurs when Noah is being a smartass and cheeky. 

Keith, token band kid, is percussion and probably definitely does not do drugs. He is a good Christian boy who loves his family too much to ever commit to the drum kid stereotype. His baggy clothes, and ripped shirts and jeans fit his stylishly. His natural hair is his pride and joy and his Snapchat stories have lots of tips for natural hair, and also his gentle ribbing of Noah. 

First bell toned loudly, signalling the beginning of First Block, which sent Boze and Damien off to their honors Math class, with chaste pecks to their respective significant others. Mr. Raub waved to the kids and clapped his hands, pulling his class’ attention towards him.

“Good morning guys! How are you doing?” He asked, starting. 

**8:05 AM - First Block - Ms. Jimenez (Honors Maths)**

Damien dashed behind Boze as they raced to their class. Mornings in Mr. Raub’s class was delightful but time escaped them before Ms. Jimenez’s class. She was a pretty brunette with fair skin and had a fun personality. Her class, while covering difficult math concepts was made fun with her fun powerpoints and thorough notes made it much more enjoyable. Boze and Damien slid into their seats out of breath. Damien quietly opened his bag and pulled his notebook out, while Boze pulled out a pen and scratch paper to jot down notes. She had a good grasp on the subject matter so notes weren’t a problem. 

An hour of notes, and terrible math puns later, Boze and Damien packed up for their next class. 

**10:15 - Second Block - Mr. Ovenshire (Biology)**

Joshua Ovenshire, or Mr. Joven as the students called him was the local cryptid teacher, who has a weird background and no one is completely sure is any story he tells is true. Boze loved his class because he was grumpy, but she definitely knew his soft side. He loved talking about his life and wife and dog children. He is dorky as hell and the students love his bumbling personality. 

During slow days, he’ll tell stories and every Halloween the teachers dress up and participate in Spirit Week. The best days are like today however when Chemistry teacher, and ex-arsonist Mr. Moss comes and teaches. They rarely do chemistry experiments in biology but when they happen it’s great. Mr. Moss ONLY teaches Chemistry I and II, and has a surprising amount of scorch marks around his room. Boze, Courtney and Noah share this class and were lucky enough to get the honor of being a table of three, who did their experiments together.

Mr. Moss had fiery orange hair, with light brown eyes that were wide set. He had a polarizing personality that shocked and disturbed many student, but he was amazing at his job and his classes had a high pass rate. He always wore jeans and a lab coat, which was stained to an alarming rate and also singed. 

These days were a blessing for Joven because he made David teach the class, and he caught up on grading. They recently had a quiz, which needed graded soon before interim grades went in. The class was quiet as David rambled about the biological aspects they would need to pay attention to in the experiment, while Joven graded. He grimaced noticing how little the students grasped the concept they were quizzed on. He made a note in his planner to reteach this lesson. Which was extremely upsetting, considering how many kids said they understood. He noticed three students had actually failed the quiz. Grimacing, he leaned back, before catching eyes with his class. Even david stopped talking, which was rare. 

“Everything okay?” David asked softly. Joven shrugged. 

“Sorry, if my grading was distracting. Um, can I talk to you outside?” Joven asked, nervously. David was a dear colleague, and he knew how much he loved doing experiments with Joven. David nodded. 

“Of course. Look over the procedure in the textbook, make a comparison chart between biology and chemistry and notice the overlaps.” David instructed, that way the students had something to do. David was worried, because Joven rarely was vocal during grading. They had had many late nights together, for David to know this. The two men left the room into the hall.

“What’s up?” David asked, arms crossed.

“The class failed their last quiz. Like all of them, even my star students.” Joven said. 

“What was it over?” David asked.

“Cellular Fermentation and Aerobic Cell Respiration.” Joven said. 

“Ah, well do you want to push the experiment and reteach or what?” David asked, crossing his arms.

“Continue with the experiment. The kids love having you in the classroom. Let’s just go back in, and I’ll rewrite my notes and prepare for reteaching.” Joven sighed, before opening the door. David shrugged and followed him, apologizing to the class. 

“Okay, that sheet can be turned in after class.” David said, and returned to the experiment. As David’s droning continued, Joven opened his planner and began replanning his classes. The next day was a turn in day, so he will scrap these tests and do the reteach. These quizzes won’t go into the grade book, and will add the highest scores as extra credit. After the bell rang, David patted Joven’s back and headed across the hall to his classroom. 

**10:15 - Second Block - Mrs. Takahashi (Drama/Dance Teacher)**

Damien, Shayne, Keith, and Courtney walked into the theater, right before the bell rang and joined their castmates in the seats. Their teacher, Mrs. Takahashi was perched on the edge of the stage, with the rest of the class. They were doing the musical/play Hadestown, as per the request of the students. It was a new hit craze that's sweeping the nation and bringing a new appreciation to the world of Theater. Only eight students were chosen for the cast, making more of the uneasy acting students drop out of the auditions. Mrs. Takahashi was having the other students do crew; building sets, painting and setting up wardrobe. 

Damien considered him extremely lucky to have been chosen, he was Hades- the God of Death and as Alex (one of the other eight chosen) told him he was like a stressed factory owner in this work. Shayne was Hermes, the narrator. Keith was Orpheus who was married to Courtney’s character- Eurydice. Another student, Maddy was playing Persephone. Alex, Damien and Cheyenna were the Fates. 

“Welcome everyone! If I could get my thespians to join me on stage, so we can go over lines, the rest of you will be meeting with the shop teachers in starting on the set designs. Mr. Risner knows you’ll be arriving.” Mari said. The class grumbled to grab their bags before leaving the auditorium. The eight remaining students joined Mrs. Takahashi on the stage. The bright white lights reflected on the marred wooden floors, so they sat near the back, and sat on some squishy couches. They pulled out of their binders.

“Okay, today we are doing a read through of the songs. Mr. Hecox is sparing several of his best band members to be our pit, which is incredibly thoughtful of him, so Keith be sure to thank him for me please?” Mrs. Takahashi requested. Keith grinned and nodded.

“Okay, down to business Character assignments and a brief description. Shayne, you’re the narrator and Hermes, you’ve got a lot of monologues, as you have to school Orpheus, Keith’s character. Keith, Orpheus is Hermes’ son and a poor musician. Courtney, you are Eurydice, Orpheus’ girlfriend, who yearns for a life of luxury. Maddy, you are Persephone who stays with Hades during the fall/winter in Greece Mythology. She is the pathos to Hades logos, if you will. Hades has souls building walls in a factory-like manner. Damien, you are Hades, and your relationship with Persephone is rocky at best, and you both yearn for the years prior when life was blissful. Alex, Damien and Cheyenna you three are the Fates, which is similar to the Three Fates you see in Hercules, if you’re familiar with the movie. Now, the Fates are described as females, and I’m working with the Latin/Mythology teacher into a small rewrite to be more inclusive. Other students have expressed this concern with me prior to my decision. This version in your hands is the rewritten version. That’s why I printed it, instead of giving you the books provided and just being photocopied. You are these characters and I give you creative freedom to build them to your liking.” Mrs. Takahashi said, friendly. The kids returned the smile and they began working through the lines. 

**12:30 - Lunch - Ms. Whittle (Junior Year Counselor)**

After the second block ended, the group met up to have lunch. They met in the cafeteria in the usual spot. Boze met up with them, a pencil tucked into her hair, and a history book in her arms.

“Hey guys, how was Theater?” She asked, dropping her stuff. Courtney gave her a sympathetic smile and went to help her.

“It was okay. Keith and I are dating in the musical we’re doing.” Courtney said.

“Treat her like a damn queen or I’ll break your kneecaps.” Boze threatened lightly.

“Understood.” Keith said, holding his hands up jokingly. Courtney smiled and squeezed Boze’s hand, who leaned into her side. They sat around the table, sharing a bag of Cheez-Its Boze had stuffed in her bag. They chattered about the play, and how unique it was. Boze ranted about her AP Euro class, griping about how stupid the test was.

“Well, Mr. Joven seemed really upset during class today.” Noah noted, once Boze finished her rant.

“Oh yeah, Mr. Moss even took him out of the class, to talk. Came back in and continued the experiment.” Courtney said, surprised. 

“That sounds unusual for Mr. Joven.” Keith noted, confused. Damien shrugged, and idly chewed on a Cheez-It. 

“Whatcha thinkin bout Dame?” Shayne whispered, leaning close, laying his back against Damien’s shoulder.

“Nothin much, just kinda everything.” Damien whispered back, laying his head onto Shayne’s. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Shayne asked.

“Nah, they aren’t worth your worry mein Lieb.” Damien cooed softly, placing a kiss into Shayne’s hair. He felt Shayne melt at his words and smile. German wasn’t a language of love, and was rougher than most, yet he knew Shayne loved when Damien spoke German. Perks of being bilingual. 

Keith was looking through the music for Hadestown, murmuring the lyrics for the scenes he was singing. With one hand, he was flipping the pages of music and jotting down notes. With the other hand, he had his fingers intertwined with Noah. Noah was leaned against him, a brightly colored sweater clashing against the darker style of his boyfriend. They were Yin and Yang, but that didn’t matter to them at all, because they were happy and that’s all that mattered. 

Then, the bell rang again.

**1:00 - Third Block - Mr. Todd (Honor’s Writing)**

The group all had third block Honors Writing together, and they were doing free writing today. For the block period they could just write about the prompt. Once they finished, they were free to continue writing, or they could work on Homework. That’s the beauty of having a semi-laid back teacher who just enjoyed reading the musings of his students.

As the bell toned the beginning of the class, Mr. Todd stood up.

“Welcome to Free Write Friday everyone! Today’s prompt is Love. Interpret it however you wish. As always, you have until the end of the block to finish. You can submit multiple pieces, and once you’ve written to your heart’s content, you are allowed to converse quietly, complete homework. You may listen to music to give you inspiration. Happy writing.” Mr. Todd said, before sitting at his desk. The sound of rustling paper, pens clicking and writing began to fill the classroom. Damien simply let his hand and brain connect and just wrote about the different loves in his life. German food, animals, cats, his mother and sister, his extended family, traveling across the world, Shayne, his friends and how much he loves his life here. 

Shayne wrote about his love of football, theater, how his days are surrounded by people who care about him, his parents, his siblings, Damien, and his hopeful future with the boy next to him. After his ramblings, he started a new page for his Damien. He listed off so many things he had grown to adore about the boy- from his smile, his accents, their inside jokes, late nights spent FaceTiming, to the nights spent at concerts Keith dragged them too. The way Damien would mindlessly mutter in German when he wasn’t paying attention. It was lovesick, it was embarrassing, but he didn’t care, because he was proud of his amazing boyfriend. 

Courtney wrote a page of her family, and how they survived by sheer dumb luck, and the crazy adventures they would go on. She wrote about her favorite memories, and her favorite past times. She wrote about her high school adventures so far, meeting her friends and growing closer to them as if they were her family. She wrote about Boze as well, from their first meeting, first date, kiss and prom. 

Mr. Todd liked reading his student’s stories and seeing how they experience love in so many ways. He also liked reading their other submissions as it helped him teach the course better. 

**2:00 - Fourth Block - Mr. Sohinki (Study Halls)**

With cramped hands from writing, most of their study hall was doing nothing. Boze however was crouched over her Honors homework, determined to stay ahead of schedule just in case. Damien was doing his homework, with ease, his handwriting faint from his sore hand. An hour of handwriting was never easy, no matter how often they did it. Having Study Hall after helped his hand. 

“What are you guys doing tonight?” Noah asked, head resting on Keith’s shoulder.

“Probably studying the lines for Hadestown. The sooner it’s memorized, the happier Mrs. Takahashi will be!” Damien said airily. 

“Smart man.” Courtney said, popping some chewing gum. 

“Homework, dinner and sleeping.” Said Boze, with a tired sigh. Courtney cooed and leaned down to kiss her cheek. 

“Sweetheart, you know you can call me whenever!” 

“I know.” Boze said, smiling.

“Working out with Coach Johnson. He’s doing after school weight training until 5, and then I’ll be heading home for dinner.” Shayne said.

“Nice. I’m working, so if you all get bored, stop by the Shop. It’ll make my night better.” Noah said, with a grimace. The Shop was a local community center, where Teens hang around. The building was big and suited lots of needs. Kids who needed a night away could stay there and get a free meal, there was a library, gym, pool and other sports. It was unique and entirely up to the community. On Friday nights, they had movie nights in the auditorium, which was next door. Noah worked weekends to have some spare change if needed. 

“Will do! What movies are on tonight?” Damien asked.

“Something from the 80’s.” Noah shrugged. And with that, the final bell tolled. 

  


~ Was this lowkey fanfic for @sunflowershayne’s teacher au… yes. 

~A HUGE thank you to Alex (prinnex0 on Tumblr) for your amazing help with the info about Hadestown! 


	3. Infallible Ineffability, My Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smosh meets Good Omens in a rendition of past events, God's plans and just Metatron being tired.
> 
> Character Breakdown:   
> Mari Takahashi - God  
> Ian Hecox - Metatron   
> David Moss - Crawley/Crowley  
> Damien Haas - Aziraphale  
> Courtney Miller - Beelzebub (Prince[ss] of Hell)   
> Olivia Sui - Gabriel (Archangel)  
> Joshua Ovenshire - Hastur (Duke of Hell)  
> Wesley Johnson - Ligur (Duke of Hell)  
> Kimmy Jiminez - Michael (Archangel)  
> Sarah Whittle - Undecided Archangel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, just to be utterly clear- I do not hate Olivia. I am aware that Olivia is a jerk, who is rude and very blunt. That’s how the character Gabriel is written! I do like the “Ineffable Bureaucracy” ship a bit, and that’s why I did Courtney and Olivia as Beelzebub and Michael. This is not me saying I hate Olivia by putting her as, quite honestly, one of my least favorite characters in Good Omens. This is me, liking the ship Courtivia and adding a fun Good Omens twist! -Lynn

**Smosh Writing Week: Day 3 - Angel/Demon AU (Good Omens insp.)**

**Relationships- Damicorn (hinted towards) / Weshire (its there, just hidden) / Ian &Mari (platonic)**

**Character Breakdown:**

**Mari Takahashi - God**

**Ian Hecox - Metatron**

**David Moss - Crawley/Crowley**

**Damien Haas - Aziraphale**

**Courtney Miller - Beelzebub (Prince[ss] of Hell)**

**Olivia Sui - Gabriel (Archangel)**

**Joshua Ovenshire - Hastur (Duke of Hell)**

**Wesley Johnson - Ligur (Duke of Hell)**

**Kimmy Jiminez - Michael (Archangel)**

**Sarah Whittle - Undecided Archangel**

Ineffability is quite a nuisance, when dealing with angels and demons with millennia of issues and conflicts- to the point of destroying an entire society and planet over their qualms, rather than on an uninhabited asteroid or star, far far away. God simply could not fathom why her creations and leagues of reporters insisted on choosing a planet only an estimated 6000 years old! She shook her head in her holy home, which happened to be a cozy cottage in the woods surrounded by nothing but pure nature. She liked the planet, considering it was her testing grounds for most creations, and her testees enjoyed the gifts she gave. They had free will to create their own creations, and felt love in so many complex ways. 

Her glorified messenger, Metatron sat next to her, as they reviewed her plans for Earth. When in communication with other beings, Metatron resembled an elderly man, wethered beyond his years. When in the company of her holiness, he resembled a 30~ year old man, with brown hair, side swept, baby blue eyes and scruff. Metatron also preferred a more human sounding name when in the presence of friends (after all they’ve known each other since before time was invented), which was Ian. 

Her holiness was rarely seen by anyone besides Ian, at least in her holy form. In her human form, she resembled a young Japanese woman, with vibrant purple hair, kind brown eyes and a lithe body- which greatly aided when building planets and solar systems. She dressed modernly and out of style within her cozy cottage that was cluttered. Despite her organized realm of creation, God much preferred her clutter. Boxes of spare weather, animal designs and DNA combinations. Mainly testing which creatures would survive and which creatures would die before the sun set. She had piles and piles of notebooks around her home, filled with her plans and future plans. God also preferred a human name when surrounded by friends, and she chose Mari. 

Ian and Mari were detailing Armageddon- the fated battle between Heaven and Hell. A true pain, yet inevitable. They’ve had a millennia of quarrels and aggression needed to be fixed. No more would there be this silly war, these silly rivalries and petty squabbles. They needed to learn what her own son Lucifer forgot- Love. And how would you teach them love, by building a network of scenarios which require the required demons and angels to coincide and build a relationship. Already one was in play. Some kinks needed to be fixed however, which was unfortunate. Let’s journey back to Eden.

_ Roughly 6000 years ago - Eden, African Continent _

The ground crumbled around a protruding snout, as a black snake, with striking orange markings emerged from the soil. The serpent slithered in search of Adam and Eve’s locale, intending to score two souls for his master. This deed would earn him in good ranks among Head Office, tempting and damning all of humanity? Golden! Seeing the bare figure of Eve, the demonic snake grinned inwardly and approached the woman, words of temptation and luring into her ear. He triumphed as the lure worked and both snagged a bite from the forbidden Apple Tree of Knowledge. As night settled and God found what happened, the couple (already expecting) were forced to leave the Oasis. As they left, clad in leaf and vine mimicking clothes, an Angel approached them. The Snake noticed and crept towards the Eastern Wall, and observed the white clad angel, pristine white wings and dark brown hair. Transforming into his human form, the Demon approached the Angel. 

“Well, that went down like a lead balloon.” The red haired demon voiced. A toga of black fabric was interwoven with orange detailing, and midnight wings sprouted from his back. 

“I’m sorry?” The angel asked, hands nervously twitching.

“I said, that went down like a lead balloon.” The demon clarified. The angel nodded, before worriedly looking into the barren wasteland, as dark and stormy clouds sat threateningly on the horizon. 

“Yes, yes, it did.” The angel responded, wind ruffling the toga and feathers in his wings. He pulled them closer to his body. 

“A bit of an overreaction for their first offence.” The demon continued, shrugging. He leaned in closer, and the angel grimaced slightly as the smell of putrid sulfur and death rolling off the demon. The demon noticed and leaned back, taking a minor step away, in hopes of not crossing boundaries. “I don’t know what’s so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil.” He confessed, with a shrug. 

“Well it must be bad, “ the angel trailed in trying to get the demon’s name.

“David.” 

“, David. Otherwise you wouldn’t have tempted them in the first place.” The angel finished with a shrug. 

“Oh, they just said to get up here and make some trouble.” David shrugged. The “They” was in reference to Hell, and Hell’s Head Office in charge of assigning locations for demons to tempt humans and other beings into sin.

“Well obviously, you’re a demon. That’s what you do.” The angel said, skewing his mouth into a grimace, as if he sucked on a lemon. Really sour citrus fruits. 

“Not very subtle of the Almighty however. The fruit tree in the dead center, with a Do Not Touch sign? Should’ve hidden it inside a cave or in the dark recesses of a cliff?” David supplied, with his unnecessary suggestions, the angel noted quietly. 

The rain, a new invention of God’s began to fall, the water droplets quickly soaking the two supernatural beings. Grimacing at the sudden wetness, David stepped closer to the Angel, who simply lifted a wing to shield the demon. 

And as Mari and Ian move through time, they watch as both David and the Angel, whose name was Damien continued to run into each other. Like at the Ark, the Crucifixion of Jesus, Rome, the Rise of Shakespeare, King Arthur’s Court, World War 2, and other various times. The two grew used to their company, and although it was nice having someone through time to accompany him, David was getting increasingly irritated at constantly saving his Angel. Discorporation is messy business and requires a lot of paperwork. Not to mention these bodies are growing older and older, kept youthful through a little divine intervention. Demonic, Angelic, it doesn’t matter. A couple miracles, some dieting and exercise, made them healthy, even through the Black Plague, a nasty thing that was Pestilence’s last hurrah before retirement. That was news to the cosmosphere, but as Earth evolved, it paved the way for Pollution. It was rare to see one of the Four Horsemen, and David went out of his way to avoid their prime spots. Bougie restaurants focused on minimalism was Famine’s work, War breaks out in ex-ar zones and reignites the fire, Pollution is trickier to avoid, and David notices Death lurking in the trees as he speeds past in his vintage Bently, blasting Blink-182 late at night. 

However, after seeing the Them, a group of kids, defeat their respective Horsemen, face literal Satan and pause Armageddon, it becomes difficult to warrant their trials. Damien sentenced to Hellfire and David to Holy Water. When they return, and switch back, Mari was immensely proud of the two. They celebrated at their favorite restaurant, The Ritz in France. 

“Now, what is your plan for these two?” Ian asked, looking towards his friend. Mari paused. She knew that both harboured feelings of acceptance and general likeness towards the other, yet it would take a push of actual Divine intervention to make them see clarity and spark a revolution. Mari was also working on getting the Princess of Hell and one of her Archangels to work as well, considering their not-so-secret rendezvous about the problematic angel/demon duo. Mari considered the fact that taking another 6000 years to slowly build this relationship wasn’t worth it. Sarah already had connections, and seemed generally accepting, yet their actions have been used for gathering evidence against a fellow angel, so it cancels out. 

“A little push, nothing extreme.” Mari said.

“Mar…” Ian warned

“What?! I have done nothing to warrant that suspicious tone Ian! A tiny push, next time they meet in Saint James Park, a little clarity and hopefully they won’t skirt around this.” Mari defended. She leaned back into her squishy chair.

“And for the Princess and your Archangel? That will not go over smoothly, whether you intend it or not.” Ian reasoned. Mari screwed her lips up into a nasty snarl.

“I play an ineffable game Ian. I do not play with the universe, nor do I make jokes within Earth’s limits. If I say that Princess Courtney and Archangel Olivia are not going to face issues, then that is exactly what is going to happen. Understand?” Mari growled. Her will was law, and there is no reason for wrenches to be thrown into her system. 

“Okay, understood but consider this Mar- You spent  **_6000_ ** years building Damien and David’s codependency, and yet you are willing to rush two higher powered beings in a matter of years? Because for them to overcome their issues, will take longer than two principalities. You know that correct? And it could be explained that no one is aware of what occurs in the recesses of closed offices, yet how many times have the Princess of Hell and Archangel Olivia left their realms and journeyed to Earth?” Ian asked patiently.

“Olivia has traveled to check in with Damien’s assignments, especially in the duration of Armageddon. Though you have a point, Courtney doesn’t leave Hell as often, considering she has her two dukes- Wes and Joven during most of her bidding. Those two also do consultations with David about his dealings. Though, I could see Kimmy and Sarah being forced to-” Mari wondered.

“No. You can not force all these relationships at the same time. What happens when we get dozens of angels asking to speak to you about the weird pairings occuring. Leave it to just the two, others will begin cropping up when they realize that a truce had been formed. You know what will help that effort far more than your dating game?” Ian asked.

“If you say talking to Lucifer again, I won’t. I’ve attempted and I’ve been shut down. I refuse to hurt him anymore. He doesn’t wish to see reason, and I won’t add to that growing list.” Mari disagreed. Ian sighed tiredly. 

“Your will is my creed my liege.” Ian sighed, drawling the old phrase.

“As you were, my faithful friend.” Mari said tiredly. 

“So, what is your plan?” Ian asked again.

“Ineffability. A dating game, with high stakes and limited chances for success, but then again- I’m God!” Mari said, cheerfully. 

“Mari, no.” Ian groaned. 

“Mari, Yes!” Mari laughed, 

_ Hell’s Head Office, Hell ~ Roughly 1 Week after the Apocalypse _

Sulfur, rotten flesh and despair permeated the halls, a heavy haze of death lulling above the somber crowd. A small figure stalked through the halls, a loose military uniform lying heavily on zir shoulders. Stark blonde hair, with a obsidian black fly perched on zir head.Ze was a demon, and a very high ranking one at that, and had immense control over the crowd. Ze was officially titled Beelzebub, Princess of Hell and Lord of the Flies. Ze simply had no issues with the gendered titles, despite being nonbinary. Ze stalked through the halls, heels clacking against the cobblestone, and zir’s two dukes of Hell behind zem, Joven and Wesley. Atop their heads sat a frog and chameleon each. With a snap of zir fingers, the charcoal black doors snapped open. A concrete hall had recently been built, with three thrones, a measly stool and a bathtub. The corridor’s lights flickered as the doors slammed shut. Beelzebub, or Courtney as ze preferred, collapsed into the center throne, and zir’s two dukes sat behind zir. 

“Call in the traitor!” Zir called out, boredom permeating zir’s voice, as ze waited. The rough clink of chains sounded from far off, and ze pulled zirself up slightly, as the red haired demon entered the room. 

“The trial of the demon, David. Beginning with evidence and ending with obliviation is now in session. All rise!” The usher called. The red haired demon was guided in, by two more ushers. 

“Hey guys. Nice place you got here.” David said, looking around. 

“Not for you, it won’t be.” Duke Joven croaked, voice aching with the grief of his fallen friend, Dagon. Joven and Dagon were summoned in to interrogate David about his fraternization with Damien, and Dagon was murdered, via Holy Water. 

“Could do with some houseplants, maybe a coffee table?” David suggested, ignoring the Duke’s bitter remark. 

“Silence!” Courtney droned, rolling zir eyes. “The prisoner shall approach.” Ze commanded.

“Love to.” David said, amicably. Sauntering forward, he took three bold steps towards the trio, and into the ring of weak lighting. Behind him sat a wall with a window, and behind it was a crowd of lowly demons, shifting, murmuring and making comments about the trial. Despite the glares sent their way.

“So, four of us. Rubber of bridge? Barbershop quartet?” David suggested, playing a daring game of playing friends.

“Trial of a traitor?” Courtney asked, lips quirking into a snarl/grin. A nasty look upon zir pretty face, only marred with the effects of Hell. 

“Princess Courtney, you are…?” David inquired.

“I’m the judge!” Ze said, as if it were obvious. Ze is in the center, obviously ze are the judge!

“And I’m the prosecutor.” Joven drawled, black eyes twinkling in the dim light. David nodded, and looked to the second Duke, who glared back menacingly. 

“A-And so Wes here is defending me?” He asked, making sure he was understanding the rules. 

“Oh, I’m afraid not.” Wes said, malice in his voice. “No, I’m just here in case there’s anything you’ve done that they forgot.” 

“But, we built this place for you specially.” Courtney said, leaning forward, and resting zir arms on zir knees. “It shall be your place of trial. And, it shall be your place of destruction.” Ze said, a deadly tone in zir words. 

“Guys, you shouldn’t have gone to all the trouble.” David said, placidly. “What appears to be the problem?” He requested. And so they listed everything. With supplied images. And to top it all off, David stood there, blatantly ignoring the stool as they recounted his ever move. 

“... And the murder, of a fellow demon. A crime I saw with my own eyes.” Joven rasped.

“Creatures of Hell, you’ve heard the evidence against the demon known as Crowley. What is your verdict?” Courtney called.

“Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!” They chanted, causing David to look behind him, frankly a little bit offended. Wes pumped his arm in triumph, a malicious grin on his face.

“Do you have anything to say, before we take out vengeance on you?” Courtney asked.

“What’s it to be?” David asked, curious of his sentence. “An eternity in the deepest pit?”

“No, we’re going to do something even worse. Letting the punishment fit the crime.” Joven rasped. Down the hall, lights began to flicker, as the light taps of shoes padded towards the chamber. A figure entered, clad in white. Her dark hair perfectly put up. In her arms sat a crystal pitcher, filled with water. 

“The archangel Kimmy? That’s unlikely.” David said, confused. 

“Cooperation with our old enemies!” Wes crowed, from his spot behind Courtney’s chair, tightly holding onto the wrought iron bars. 

“Well, wank-wings, you brought the stuff?” Joven asked.

“I did.” Kimmy’s patient voice fluttering through the hall. “I’ll be back to collect it.” She said, offering the pitcher.

“No, I-uh think perhaps you ought to do the honors. I’ve seen what that stuff can do.” Joven hissed, fear lightly coating his voice as traumatic flashes of Dagon’s screams and death filtered through his head. David observed shyly as Wes cautiously reached a hand towards Joven, who willingly took the proffered hand and squeezed tightly. Both Dukes shuffled closer together, neatly fitting behind Courtney’s throne. With that, Kimmy opened her arms and poured the pitcher. Gasps and screams filtered through the glass as the demons cowered. 

Courtney sighed as the water slowly splashed its way into the tub. The demons behind the glass continued to snarl at the offending liquid. Slowly, the water began to thin as Kimmy dropped her arms.

“That’s Holy Water.” David said, numbly.

“The Holiest, yes.” Kimmy answered, annoyingly and overly polite as always. 

“Uh, it’s not that we don’t trust you, Kimmy, but obviously we don’t trust you. Joven, test it.” Courtney commanded, now leaning against one side of the throne, zir legs in the chair as ze delicately held a finger out for a fly, which landed softly. Joven hummed in response and stalked off to grab the usher who lead them into the chamber. Kimmy lightly stepped away and back towards the entrance. 

Joven leaned down to pick up the goblin like creature, which protested loudly. 

“What have I done?” The usher pleaded, now being held over the crystalline bathtub. 

“Wrong place, wrong time.” Joven muttered, before rolling the usher to it’s gruesome death. Everyone watched on as the stout demon was vaporized in front of them. 

“Demon David, I sentence you to extinction by Holy Water.” Courtney announced, satisfied with the results. “Have anything to say?” David slowly turned around, still reeling with what he saw. 

“Well, yes. Um… This is a new jacket and I’d hate to ruin it. Do you mind if I take it off?” David asked, motioning to the stool. 

Demonic shrieks were heard as a splash and a sizzle was heard. The trio started in shock at the sight before them. David was lounged in the water, splashing it. 

“I don’t suppose that anywhere in the Nine Circles of Hell, there’s such a thing as a rubber duck?” David requested. “No?” 

In Heaven, a similar scenario was playing out. The niceties were cut and Damien was sentenced to death by Hellfire. A spiraling tornado of fire. Unable to simply just talk his way out of it, considering Olivia’s utter need to be a dick, 90% of the time.

Damien glared before solidly stepping into the literal inferno. The warmth radiated around him, and with a small crack in his neck, Damien relished in the heat. Deciding to play a little devilish joke, he opened his mouth and roared, sending a fiery beam towards the patient angels. When they saw the fire, they scrambled away, shocked and appalled. 

“It may be worse than we thought.” Olivia said, shocked.

In Hell, David was idly playing in the water, still. 

“He’s gone native.” Courtney whispered, shocked. “He isn’t one of us, anymore.” At this, David splashed water towards the demons. They screamed in horror. 

“What is he?” Uriel asked, shocked and stuttering. Olivia shook her head in wonderment as Damien smiled back, with a chaotic gleam in his eye. 

“So, you’re probably thinking,  _ “If he can do this, I wonder what else he can do?” _ And very, very soon, you’re all going to get the chance to find out.” David taunted.

“Ahh, he’s bluffing.We can take him. One demon against the rest of Hell? What’s he gonna do?” JOven taunted. 

“Shut it!” Courtney snapped, a buzz falling from zir lips. “Get him out of here. This’ll cause a riot. What are you all looking at! Nothing to see! Nothing to see!!” Courtney screeched, launching down towards the gallery, fire in zir eyes. The demons kept gasping and flinching every time David splashed water. A * _ ding _ * sounded, and Kimmy reappeared, glass pitcher in hand to retrieve the water.

“I came to bring back the uh, oh Lord.” She fretted, upon realizing the scene. 

“Kimmy! Dude! Do us a quick miracle, will you? I need a bath towel.” David requested. Kimmy waved her hand and a pristine white towel now sat in her hand, which she offered David, wordlessly. 

“I think it would be better for everyone, if I were to be left alone in the future. Don’t you?” David asked, nodding his head. Courtney, unable to focus, slowly nodded, which was followed by Joven, Wes and even Kimmy. 

“Right.” He said, satisfied. And with a wink he left Hell, with his clothes of course. 

_ Central London, 1 Week After the Trials _

“Do you think they’ll leave us alone now?” Damien asked.

“At a guess, they’ll pretend it never happened.” David answered. Damien nodded in agreement. “Right, anyone looking?” David asked, glancing around. Damien gave it a moment, before he put his hands to his temples and scanned around. 

“Nobody.” He confirmed. 

“Right, swap back then.” David said, offering his hand. Damien grabbed it and they transferred themselves into the proper vessels. Once properly switched, they readjusted.

“A tartan collar, really?” David complained.

“Tartan is stylish.” Damien defended. David rolled his eyes, and sputtered. Foregoing the immaturity, Damien pressed on. “So, Agnes Nutter’s prophecy was on the money? I asked them for a rubber duck.” Damien leaned close. “And made the Archangel Kimmy miracle me a towel!” He sounded so giddy. David couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity. 

“Yeah, they’ll leave us alone. For a bit anyways.” David said, smiling softly. Damien nodded. 

“Let me tempt you to, a spot of lunch?” David asked. 

“Temptation accomplished.” Damien laughed, and the two made their away to their favorite spot on the Earth. The Ritz. 

**Bonus** :

The champagne poured, the soft piano playing and lavish decor surrounded them. A lone table for two, juts by the wine display. As the waiter left, upon topping off their drinks, Damien spoke. 

“You know, I like to think none of this would have worked out, if you weren’t, at heart, just a little bit of a good person.” Damien said, softly. The champagne flute was grasped lightly in his hand, as their plates laid bare. 

“And if you weren’t, deep down, just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing.” David said, pursing his lips just the slightest. Damien smiled softly, before looking down, a pinkish hue growing on his cheeks.  _ 6000 years, and it’s finally come to this _ he thought. 

“Cheers,” David said, lifting his glass, unaware of the now ruined moment. “To the world!”

“To the world.” Damien returned, heartfelt. And so, they clinked glasses and downed the champagne. 

Mari looked back from the plan. 

“Perhaps the recent exertions, had had some fallout, in the nature of reality, because while they were eating, for the first time ever, a nightingale actually did sing in Berkeley Square. Nobody heard it, over the noise of the traffic, but it was there, right enough.” She said, noting. 

“How beautifully serene, Mar.” Ian smiled. 

“Yes. And it doesn’t have to happen right now. At least they are at peace, and for now, that’s okay.” Mari said, smiling. She leaned forward and closed the book, signalling the end of the day for her and Ian. 

After all, playing God required persistence, patience and a keen eye. It was undoubtedly infallible ineffability, my dear. Infallible Ineffability.


End file.
